Listening to a Clinton supporter on The Daily Show last night, I have decided that some still have no idea what just happened and I fear they will use their confusion to justify some boneheaded decision like voting for John McSame. So, for the sake of summarizing things chronologically so people don’t feel like Hillary Clinton had the nomination taken from her somehow, I will summarize it as succinctly as I can ... using the completely non-universal language of the boxing metaphor.
This is kind of long, but so was the contest.
THE FIELD
It was 2008 and eight were left, the old southpaw, the scrappy jabber, the drunken boxer, the bruising warhorse, groomed-by-the-latest, married-to-the-latest, the face, and the great black hope.
Many had high hopes for the presumptive nominee, married-to-the-latest, first female to go to The Show and possibly bring home the title. Her ambidextrous fighting style made it nearly impossible for anyone to spot a weakness and her husband and trainer was a previous heavyweight champion that quite a few people admired for his tenacity and fearlessness.
"Go for the head!" he shouted as he she pumped iron to put on the muscle mass needed to compete in a man’s world. "Where the head goes, the body follows, so don’t waste your time trying to wear down the midsection!"
The Face fought twice before and even made it to an undercard match before going to the ropes in the 9th, and in the last two months of training got well-suited to fighting as a southpaw. The Hope, on the other hand, was born a southpaw but had only won a single heavyweight match in his career.
THE RULES
Blows to the head and body are worth an equal amount. If you fall down and don’t get up on a 10 count you are down for good. Shots below the waist do not count. There will be no spitting and no biting. Do not swing before the bell is rung.
THE INTERVIEWS
--KATIE COURIC: So what happens if you don’t win?
--MRS. LATEST: I don’t expect to lose.
--KATIE COURIC: But what if you don’t win?
--MRS. LATEST: I’ll win.
--REPORTERS: So are you ready?
--MRS. LATEST: This will be over by the third round.
--REPORTERS: What about Michigan and Florida?
--MRS. LATEST: We’re not fighting in Michigan and Florida. You can quote me on that!
THE FIRST ROUND
Those with the best training and most time in the ring made nary a showing in the first round, leaving Scrappy, Hope, Face, and Mrs. Latest to duke it out.
In IOWA, audiences were shocked at the spectacle as Hope and Face worked the body with pummeling blows and it seemed Mrs. Latest had been inflated beyond her abilities. She was still standing, of course, but her presumptive status had been checked at the door and sportscasters were already counting her out before she had hit the mat.
Scrappy, on the other hand, was down for a four count.
By NEW HAMPSHIRE, Mrs. Latest was shedding a tear under the stress and the sportscasters were predicting when she would pack it in.
--MRS. LATEST: It’s hard being a woman. Am I right, ladies!?
--REPORTER: Some people say Mrs. Latest, a woman, isn’t likeable. What is your opinion?
--HOPE: [snarky grin] She’s likeable enough.
--MRS. LATEST’S SUPPORTERS: SEXIST!!!!
Meanwhile, Face turns all of his blows on Mrs. Latest.
--MRS. LATEST’S SUPPORTERS: SEXIST BULLIES!!!!
--FACE: But...it’s a boxing match...
Face couldn’t seem to connect very well after that.
ROUND TWO
While Hope and Face were in their corners getting massages and hydrated, Scrappy and Mrs. Latest sparred in the MICHIGAN locker room.
--SCRAPPY: Alright, now you can see how hard I can hit!
--MRS. LATEST: Yeah...just don’t hit too hard, we need to get back out there.
Mrs. Latest laid Scrappy out with a skull-rattler and went back to the ring. The security camera caught all of it for posterity.
By NEVADA, Face was throwing blows at Hope, too, but Scrappy (on a technicality) threw in the towel and Hope and Mrs. Latest were in the mess.
--MR. LATEST: Come on! My wife’s left-handed, Hope is just pretending to be left-handed but once, in the Senate, he picked up a fork with his right! My wife only pretended to be right-handed to compete in a man’s world! This guy is such a fairytale!
--AUDIENCE and REPORTERS: ...What?
By SOUTH CAROLINA, Hope was swinging wide and chin-checking everything in reach. Face stumbled into the post and out of the melee for good while Hope and Mrs. Latest slugged it out until Mrs. Latest was wheezing and spent and Hope landed the first blow to the head of the contest ... a primary victory.
--REPORTERS: Wow, Hope really beat the Hell out of your wife. Didn’t you train her?
--MR. LATEST: You’re just trying to trick me, aren’t you? I tell you what, BIG PUSH won in the ring here twice and never got to The Show.
--REPORTERS: Um. So did you. And Face won here once.
--MR. LATEST: I know. But Hope’s a black guy.
--HOPE’S SUPPORTERS: ...What?
--MRS. LATEST’S RINGSIDE TEAM: REVERSE RACISM!!!!!
After the bell rang to end the round, Mrs. Latest ran through FLORIDA and pummeled Hope in the skull while he was wiping the sweat off his forehead.
--HOPE: What the hell!?
--MRS. LATEST: Ha! Blow to the head! See that!? You’re still in the ring, you’re still fighting.
--JUDGES: ...What?
--MRS. LATEST’S FLORIDA SUPPORTERS: Count our punches! Count our punches!
ROUND THREE
Through SUPER TUESDAY, Hope and Mrs. Latest slugged it out across 23 states. She pounded him hard in the Latin vote, but he threw some hard punches in return. She worked his lack of balance with white women and tipped him on his heels with Hispanics. He pummeled her African-American constituency weakness and dominated the youth and white male vote.
JUDGES: With 13 states to him and 8 to her and we’re not sure who hit who in New Mexico, Hope is ahead.
Mrs. Latest: I won California!
--REPORTERS: This round’s a tie! Mrs. Latest wins California!
--CHUCK TODD: ...What?
ROUND FOUR
--REPORTERS: So what’s next?
--MRS. LATEST: I’m going to rope-a-dope a bit, let him wear himself out, then go for the knockout punch at the end of the fourth.
--REPORTERS: You really are a great competitor.
Mrs. Latest tucks in and Hope uses her as a punching bag. (After a string of landslide victories...) Mrs. Latest is sporting several snapped ribs and a hernia.
ROUNDS FIVE THROUGH SEVEN
The bell rings and Hope opens up a string of uppercuts to the chin and hooks that snap Mrs. Latest’s neck about like a bobblehead doll. Mrs. Latest spits her teeth out on the mat before tipping over and kissing it.
--SOME REPORTERS: Good God almighty. I think she’s done.
--OTHER REPORTERS: Never count a Latest out. Remember when she cried and she kept on fighting? She’s not even crying right now.
--MRS. LATEST: [From the mat] Besides ... he only got...a few...headshots in. And blows...to the body...shouldn’t count, anyway...they’re elitist!
The bell rings and each time Hope unloads everything he has – and he never gets tired. He doesn’t even break a sweat. He pummels her in the working class white vote until she’s staggering. With his speed and reach it is nearly impossible for Mrs. Latest to block anything despite having plenty of power, endurance, and training on her side.
Mrs. Latest hits the mat again with a final shot right in her working-class white women.
--MRS. LATEST: ‘Tis a flesh wound!
--REPORTERS: Don’t worry, as soon as he stops hitting her she’ll come roaring back and win this.
--CHUCK TODD: No...she won’t. She’s so far behind she has to knock him out or rip his arms out of the sockets so he can’t hit her back.
--JUDGES: Yeah, what he said.
ROUND EIGHT
--MRS. LATEST: Cut me, Howie! It’s time for the kitchen sink!
--MR. LATEST: If Hillary doesn’t win in Texas AND Ohio, she’s done!
--CHUCK TODD: ...He forgot to mention...she has to do it by 30 points....
--THE SILVER PANTHER: Those colored folks got their token and they got all uptight and played the race card on the Latest’s, but no one understands how hard it is to be a woman in this world. Those negroes play the race card all of the time by responding to stupid little things and it’s just REVERSE RACISM if you ask me. They won’t vote for a white person! And they overexaggerated what Mr. Latest said.
--MY MOM: ...What?
--REPORTERS: Mrs. Latest was winning black support two to one over The Great Black Hope in December. Then there were those racially insensitive comments about Big Push and Hope won black support at the end of January. Coincidence?
--THE SILVER PANTHER: They blew my comments out of context.
--REPORTERS: No, not the same exact comments you said three times, twice about Big Push in the 80’s and just now about Hope, but the comments Mr. Latest said unprompted.
--THE SILVER PANTHER: You’re all reverse racists and sexists and you won’t shut me up!
As soon as the bell rings, Hope adds his 12th straight landslide victory in VERMONT with a knock to the top of Mrs. Latest’s head.
--MRS. LATEST: [Kicks hope in the nuts] I and Old Warhawk know how to protect your children from the dark-skinned terrorists that’ll sneak into your house at night at 3 a.m.
--CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS: Why the hell would we wake the president to fight terrorists at 3 a.m? We usually go straight to voicemail.
--RACHEL MADDOW: Wait, wait, wait! She just kicked him in the balls!
--TUCKER CARLSON: And? We do it all the time, it’s how you fight...to the death.
--RACHEL MADDOW: If you’re a Republican! She left that party 30 years ago! What about rules?
--TUCKER CARLSON: Rules are for pussies, I’m an anarcho-capitalist. In fact, if you guys had bare-knuckle boxing where only punches to the face count you might have a candidate right now like we do.
--KEITH OLBERMANN: They’re going to kill each other....
--GLORIA STEINEM and ERICA JONG: Mrs. Latest is fighting in a man’s world!
--MRS. LATEST: He can kick me in the nuts if he wants to. In fact, that’s not fair, he can punch me in the chest but I can’t kick him in the nuts? We need a rules change here.
--JUDGES: Yeah...let’s just pretend it never happened. Now stop it.
--CUTE LITTLE CHILD ON TV: Psst, I’m voting for Hope in 10 years.
--MRS. LATEST and OLD WARHAWK: Shut up and listen to your elders.
--HOPE: Didn’t you and Old Warhawk vote for the Iraq War and Iranian Revolutionary Guard amendments?
--MRS. LATEST: I explained that, didn’t I? No? Well screw yourself. And stop telling people I did something which I actually did but which I can convincingly make people believe I didn’t by castigating you angrily and waving this pamphlet around!
Mrs. Latest gets a clean shot to Hope’s chin in OHIO.
--MRS. LATEST: We're going all the way!
--REPORTERS: What about Texas?
--MRS. LATEST: What about Texas?
Mrs. Latest brushes Hope back in TEXAS but he tags her in the side at the same time.
--MRS. LATEST: We’re now tied! And now we’re really going all the way!
--JUDGES: ...What?
Then, in RHODE ISLAND, she clocks him.
--MRS. LATEST: Now I’m winning! Now let’s pick this up in the last half of round nine. The first half is just a warm-up.
ROUND NINE
(FIRST HALF):
In WYOMING, Hope kidney punches Mrs. Latest in the working class white vote so hard she vomits blood, then he uppercuts her back into the ropes in MISSISSIPPI.
--REPORTERS: That looks like it hurts.
--MRS. LATEST: Gurgle gurgle, choke, crackle, gurgle, drool...Ffflooori...Michi...guuuhn. (I told you not to show up before the last half! That’s when it really counts! Oh, and what about Florida and Michigan!?)
--REPORTERS and JUDGES and AUDIENCE: What about Michigan and Florida?
--MRS. LATEST and HER SUPPORTERS: Count all of the punches!
--JUDGES: But...they didn’t count.
--MRS. LATEST and HER SUPPORTERS: Disenfranchisement! Slavery! Suffrage! Boo!
--JUDGES: But...you said they wouldn’t count.
--MRS. LATEST: BOO!
--CHRIS MATTHEWS: You signed this sheet of paper right here!
--MRS. LATEST'S SURROGATES: That was then, this is NOW!
--REPORTERS: Because you’re losing.
--MRS. LATEST: No, we’re tied, I just want a fair contest.
--REPORTERS: You fought Scrappy in a locker room in Michigan.
--MRS. LATEST: But look at all of the punches I threw! And what about Florida!
--REPORTERS: The bell already rang, the round was over.
--MRS. LATEST: But he was in the ring!
--WOLF BLITZER: She does bring up some very good points. Perhaps she should take it to a Denver rematch...?
--ME: Shut up, you hack.
--HOPE: ...
--MRS. LATEST: Hope is doing everything he can to forestall all progress on this!
--HOPE: ...Whatever Michigan comes up with is good for me.
--MICHIGAN: Fine, we have an idea. Fight an eleventh round in Michigan.
--MRS. LATEST: NO! I WON! I WANT MY PUNCHES TO COUNT!
--HOPE: ...?
--MICHIGAN: But Hope wasn’t in the locker room. He chose not to go in the locker room, and he went there to use the bathroom but, uh, we sort of locked him out and wouldn’t let him in. Our bad.
--MRS. LATEST: He chose not to go into the locker room in the first place. He gave up his punches.
--REPORTERS: ...Didn’t we already cover this?
--WOLF BLITZER: Perhaps more probing into this situation is in order....
--REPORTERS: No! She didn’t punch anybody but Scrappy. The other punches don’t count!
(SECOND HALF):
--MRS. LATEST: Finally, now we can get this fight started!
--CHRIS MATTHEWS: So you’re giving Mrs. Latest a threshold of 8 or 9 points. 8 or 9 points is what she has to beat for Pennsylvania to even be considered a win.
--ED RENDELL: Well, a win is a win as they say, but...yeah. We expect much higher than that.
Mrs. Latest hits Obama in the face (with a 9.2 point win). No one is quite sure how hard it is. He kind of stares at her silently and she watches him to see how he’ll respond.
--CHRIS MATTHEWS: ...Uh....
--ED RENDELL: Yeah...um....
--TERRY MCAULIFFE: WHOO HOO!!!!!
--ED RENDELL: Oh, right, WHOO! SHE WON!
--REPORTERS: "Hope TROUNCED in Pennsylvania by Mrs. Latest. What does this mean for his campaign?"
In INDIANA, Mrs. Latest scratches Hope’s cheek with a jab and in NORTH CAROLINA, Hope clocks her right back (with a 15 point win).
--REPORTERS: Meh.
--MRS. LATEST: Why is it so dark...?
--AUDIENCE: So who’s winning!?
--JUDGES: [whispered to the reporters] Um, yeah, Hope and Mrs. Latest just canceled each others’ wins out going back to before the eight round, so it’s like the last two rounds never happened. They may as well have been doing car bombs in a bar in Philly.
--REPORTERS: Oh...uh....
--MRS. LATEST: I understand, it’s a long fight. I win one, he wins one....
--MRS. LATEST’S SUPPORTERS: They’re tied again!!!
--HOPE: No. No, we’re not. I am so far ahead there is no possible way she can catch up.
--JUDGES: [under their breath, coughing discreetly] What he said.
--FOX NEWS: ...Yeah...it’s true.
--REPUBLICANS: He’s black.
--FOX NEWS: Uh...forget what we just said.
FINAL ROUND
As they fight through WEST VIRGINIA
--SPECTATORS: N****!
--HOPE: [shocked, turns his head] Huh!?
Mrs. Latest throws a wide hook and knocks Hope back into the ropes. Then, she tries a creative approach.
--MRS. LATEST: [spits in his face, punches him in the balls] Should have watched out for those hard-working whites!
--AUDIENCE: ...What the f---!?
--PAT BUCHANAN, aka, former contender WHITE POWER: There will be a lot more hard-working whites in the general. He needs to figure out a way to get past that, he’s just not selling the right message.
--NORAH O’DONNELL: Half of the voters voted based on race...
--PAT BUCHANAN: Yep, West Virginia’s representative of the general electorate alright, just ignore those other 40-something unrepresentative states, the contest just started for real.
--ME: [aside] ...I think there’s a reason they put these states on the end of the Democratic Primary.
--JUDGES: Well, the first punch counts. Just please stop hitting him in the balls or we’ll call this contest. And stop spitting on him, it’s just...gross.
--MRS. LATEST: They’re afraid of a woman winning! But look at all of the white people I have on my side. Hope can’t win over white people! Do you think you can win without punching Old Warhawk in the balls and spitting on him?
--REPORTERS: Yeah, we know Old Warhawk. He doesn’t spit on people or punch them in the balls.
--RACHEL MADDOW: That was OLD Old Warhawk. You don’t even know what hand NEW Old Warhawk fights with anymore.
--THE SILVER PANTHER: You colored reporters and your sexism!
--PAT BUCHANAN: It’s true, look at this Hope guy, he can’t win these angry white people who are tired of blacks taking their jobs, like the presidency, through affirmative action, like an election! It’s time to fight back! I think the judges will almost be forced to give this to her if she convinces them she did well in the ninth and tenth rounds and enough of these older working-class white people cheer for her in the crowd.
--CHRIS MATTHEWS: You know, you may have a point there. Oh, screw it, who am I kidding?
--CHUCK TODD: Yeah, that makes absolutely no sense.
KENTUCKY is a brain-burning jab to the nose for Hope, but OREGON is a tooth-rattling riposte to Mrs. Latest.
PAT BUCHANAN: See, see!? Working-class whites don’t trust Hope!
NORAH O’DONNELL: Uh...there were two contests. Hope won working-class whites in half of them.
PAT BUCHANAN: Well, you have to wonder why Mrs. Latest is still standing when she can’t win and is getting cheered by so many working-class whites. What does that say about Hope!?
NORAH O’DONNELL: Yeah...we’ve been keeping track and Hope is completely competitive with Mrs. Latest among working-class whites in general.
PAT BUCHANAN: Who cares? I’m talking about older working-class whites with little education living in the rust belt! That’s what should decide this contest! The real Americans!
GUAM goes to Hope, PUERTO RICO goes to Mrs. Latest, Puerto Rico hurts like hell but it’s not even a state.
--TERRY MCAULIFFE: As of now Mrs. Latest has done more damage to Hope than he has to her! Therefore, I feel the judges will have to give this contest to Mrs. Latest.
--CHRIS MATTHEWS: Really? I’m an old school Irish guy and I do believe the one who does more damage should be the winner. However, I also feel it’s kind of a dick move to break the rules.
--TERRY MCAULIFFE: Wow, I happen to be Irish as well, and I agree that damage is important in determining a winner. I’m glad we have that in common. That’s really what’s most important.
--CHRIS MATTHEWS: Uh...no, what about the being a dick part?
--TERRY MCAULIFFE: ...So much damage! He can’t stand up for much longer.
Mrs. Latest lands a solid hit in SOUTH DAKOTA! The crowd cheers!
--REPORTERS: More white women choosing Mrs. Latest over Hope!
Hope hits Mrs. Latest back even harder in MONTANA! The crowd cheers louder!
--REPORTERS: More white men choosing Hope over Mrs. Latest!
--JUDGES: [ring the bell] Damn, finally.... Fight’s over; Hope wins.
--AUDIENCE and MRS. LATEST SUPPORTERS: That was quick.
--JON STEWART and CHUCK TODD: No. No, it’s not quick at all. That was incredibly long.
--MRS. LATEST: Whatever, in 1992 my husband went until June and in 1968 RFK was assassinated.
--REPORTERS and AUDIENCE: ...What?
--MR. LATEST: It’s true...my contest went until June. No one’s ever tried to force someone out this early.
--TIM RUSSERT: Roll the tape.
--TIM RUSSERT: It’s April and Jerry Brown can’t reasonably win.
--MR. LATEST: It’s April and Jerry Brown can't reasonably win; he needs to get out of the race for the good of the party!
--MR. LATEST: Shit.
--JERRY BROWN: And our contest started in February!
--TERRY MCAULIFFE: [drunk on rum] WE DID MORE DAMAGE! YOU’RE STEALING THIS FIGHT! WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT!?
--CHRIS MATTHEWS: No, but really, stop being an ethnic stereotype -- unless it’s Christmas, then it’s just a damn good time.
--CHUCK TODD: Actually, I think he’s just insane. Anyway, the only way anyone can say she’s done more damage is when you count the cheap shot she got after the round ended in Florida when no one was fighting and when you throw in the shadowboxing she did in the Michigan locker room after she knocked Scrappy out with one hit. Worse, if you don’t count BOTH she’s behind in the popular vote totals either way...of which, let’s face it, there aren’t any actual popular vote totals, which means we’re throwing out hundreds of thousands, possibly millions, of votes Hope should have on his side.
--TERRY MCAULIFFE: Mrs. Latest has thrown more successful punches to the head in the rounds that matter than Hope.
--PAT BUCHANAN and TUCKER CARLSON: What does it say when he can’t win those working-class cheers over the age of 45 in these key rust belt states.
--MRS. LATEST: Yeah, Reagan Democrats/Soccer Moms/Nascar Dads are our base.
--ME: No, they’re swing applauders. The college-educated, gays, minorities, youths, and single women are our base. You said that back in December before you lost half and split one of them down the middle.
--MRS. LATEST’S SUPPORTERS: They’re almost tied in damage! They’ve done almost the same amount of damage! This is so close!
--JUDGES: [sternly] No, really, shots to the head may hurt more, but shots to the head count as much as body blows.
--ME: [explains] Primaries versus caucuses. If those caucus states knew that their 1/10th proportion popular vote would determine the winner, I think they would have held primaries instead. That’s why many states don’t even count the vote in caucuses and why you can’t change the rules after the contest is over.
--JUDGES: Furthermore, technically, Hope has actually hit her HARDER than she has hit him and he hits her a lot more often.
--ME: Mrs. Latest has a habit of squeaking out 2-5 point wins. Hope has won more states by 20 point margins than she has won states...period. In fact, Mrs. Latest’s first or second 20-point victory was Rhode Island. Her second or third was West Virginia. Hope got that many 20-point victories in a two-week period.
--JUDGES: You can’t see it, but right now her intestines are pudding, her ribs are shattered glass, she’s hemorrhaging internally, and she needs to go to the hospital, even though she is managing to walk it off.
--ME: She’s not counting the 14 caucus states at all in her popular vote totals. Her campaign is about 30 million dollars in the hole. She now has a negative favorability rating. Her honest and trustworthy rating is in the mid-30’s.
The fact is, she may win a fight against a loser like Old Warhawk, who was already smacked down in 2000, but if she fights on the undercard with Hope, she’s just a lodestone around his neck.
There, I hope that helps.